Black Friday Falls on a Wednesday

You have heard the phrase ,“ busy as a bee " or "busy as a beaver".  Perhaps even,  "busy as a one arm paper hanger" .  I'll add : "busy as a security guard at an Indian rummage sale. “

People ask me,   “What have you been up to since your arrival in India ?”   Well outside of my new hobby of Squash,  my old hobby of Golf , taking in Indian culture and my significant duties supervising our Driver, Maid , Cook and Gardener,  I do volunteer work from time to time.  (Okay,  so this was the first).  I volunteered to be a security guard for a second hand sale.

Bangalore’s Overseas Women’s Club has a rummage sale every year to benefit their charities.  Expats donate clothes,  housewares ,  old curtains,  appliances ,  and anything else that will fit into a box.    The items are sold for pennies on the dollar.  The deals are tremendous and more people come every year as word spreads.

Indians are particularly adept at making the most of their resources.   The high ratio of people to resources drives that fact.  It also fuels serious competitive spirit.   For example,  you soon learn that while standing in line,  you must keep less than 1 body space between you and the person in front of you.  If you don’t,  someone will make use of that space.   (Cars are driven the same way.) 

Combine the great deals at the sale with 500 spirited competitors and you have serious crowd control issues.   The ‘private sale’ for the volunteers’ staff (Drivers, Maids, etc…) scheduled to open up at 11am,  became the 10:15 open to everyone sale.  As the line grew,  the mob pushed and our security team was soon overrun.   We had to start the sale to avoid people,  including children,  from getting crushed by the crowd.   It was Black Friday at Macy’s times 10. 

Swarms of people filled the tent in a mad rush to get the prime goods.   During our retreat,  I was charged the task of holding the mob back so customers could be released one by one to the cashiers.  It's a good role for a tall, fat American.  Other security volunteers had the task of getting the customers to stand in line.   In the highly competitive Indian culture  “lines are for suckers”.   So is personal space.   Within moments of the opening,  I was belly to belly with the A-Players of Indian competitiveness.   Luckily,  the sale organizers passed out apples to the volunteers before the sale to keep everyone's sugar up.   I discovered that taking a cracking bite from the apple and chewing with my mouth open helped people keep their distance.   I chewed that apple down to the seeds.

I am delighted to report the sale was a big success.  The planned 4-hour sale was closed after  1-1/2 hours since nearly everything was sold. 

The Ayurvedic Treatment

“India is, the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition.”  -- Mark Twain

As the Earth's oldest largest continuing civilization,  India has contributed more than it’s fair share toward global culture.   Among its many achievements,  Chess, Buddhism, Navigation and even Hockey were all invented here.  

So it’s not surprising the first school of medicine, Ayurveda,  was borne of India.  I failed to understand this fact before Becky and I spent a weekend at an Ayurvedic Spa a few weeks back.    When I think Spa,  I think relaxation.  Nice massages, inviting hot tubs, a few saunas and perhaps a swimming pool next to a bar.   

With this in mind,  we checked in on a Friday evening.  After being led to our spartan room,  we were invited to dinner at the restaurant and given a Doctor’s appointment in the morning.  Dinner started with hot Cumin Tea and moved onto a buffet of Vegan specialities.  It wasn’t exactly bland,  but we’re not coming back for takeout either.  The were shocked when we asked if they had beer or wine.  Alcohol is strictly prohibited anywhere at the Spa.  This was true health food. 

The Yoga Room

In the morning, we hit the 7am Yoga,  got breakfast (no coffee, no eggs, more Vegan) and went to see the Doctor.  He prescribed a hot oil massage and a steam bath for us both.  Perfect.  I’d been looking forward to a nice massage all month.  Over we went to the treatment facility.

I was led to the massage room, given a changing closet and a napkin with a long string on it.  Without using any English,  the masseur made it clear this napkin was to be worn and nothing else.  Okay.  Dressed like a Kalahari Bushman, I mounted the massage table and the hot oil treatment began.  Two guys with gorilla sized forearms aggressively rubbing in HOT oil.  Three quarts of hot oil and they were determined to force it into my skin.  Each guy worked a side with counterbalancing force.   If it wasn’t balanced,  I would have shot off the vinyl table like a wet bar of soap.  This wasn’t pleasure,  this was treatment.  After a half hour of this abuse,  they threw me into the steam bath to really give me the deep fried effect.  Once I was near to losing consciousness, they knew I was done.  

The Steam Bath:  Your head sticks out of the top.
I thought these only existed in 3-Stooges movies. 

Becky and I compared notes over lunch.  This did not meet expectations.  We needed to talk with this Doctor and see if we could get another package for tomorrow.  Perhaps a Swedish deep tissue or a Shiatsu massage.   Exhausted from treatment,  we returned to our room and slept for the next 20 hours. 

After morning Yoga and vegan Breakfast (I would have killed for Eggs Benedict at this point),  we met with the Doctor to express our concerns.  He just stared at us.  It was as if he prescribed antibiotics,  but we didn’t like the taste and could we just eat jelly beans instead.  He called over to the treatment center and had them make a few adjustments. 

If anything,  they turned it up a notch.  The oil was hotter,  the gorillas pressed harder and the steam bath was more intense.  We were going to be healthy if it killed us. 

After two days of Yoga, Hot Oil treatment,  I was sore everywhere.  Years of toxins and preservatives deeply buried within my body were getting knocked loose by all the health food resulting in a massive headache.  It felt like I had the flu.   We hobbled to lunch and after another vegan meal and decided we had to escape.

There were lasting side effects.  The oil was sweetly scented, so we smelled like French Toast for a week.  Even now,  when I sweat, it smells like the pancake house.   Two days later,  we felt fantastic -- rested, energetic, happy, relaxed.  The treatment works,  if you can survive. 

Goon Squads

Staying on course

A neighbor and I left for the golf course about 6am one Saturday morning.  The early start means a return before our families are even awake.  It also means we miss the morning news.  Somewhere about the 11th hole,  we were informed by our concerned wives there was a bandh. 

The Signature 18th Green

The Clubhouse is a well disguised trailer.
(Photo courtesy JPRaguso)

A bandh is a general strike with the specific aim to shut down the city.  Whatever group or political party that calls for the bandh sends out their 'goon squads' to block traffic,  shut down businesses, close schools and throw stones. Occasionally,  they overturn busses and set cars afire.   They are out to ruin everyones' day.   

We finished our golf round, headed home and found the road blocked.  Nobody was getting through.   So much for a few quick holes and back home.   Fearing a stone throwing mob, the safest thing to do was to sit tight and play another 18 holes.  First we had to stock up on food -- before the other golfers finish and realize they're stuck too.  We had a nice lunch and then the worst happened -- we got word the roadblock was lifted and we could go home. 

Where Ikea when you need it ?

We have amassed enough books, knick knacks and electronics to warrant bookshelves.  The usual furniture showrooms didn't have what we wanted, so we headed to the local furniture market.   They sell wholesale furniture and can also make custom pieces.  You even get to haggle a little bit -- it's fun. 

Not seeing what we wanted,  we left a deposit with a furniture shop to make a couple bookcases.  Two weeks and many phone calls later,  there were no shelves.  Unhappy about the whole thing, Javeed,  our savvy driver, called the Corporator.  The Corporator is like a city councilman with henchmen.  It's not clear if the henchmen are a prerequisite for the job or if they come with the office,  but these are the basis for the goon squads mentioned above.  

Javeed returned to furniture shop along with the Corporator.  Once they saw the Corporator,  they quickly returned the deposit money and apologized.  The Corporator told them they still needed to make and deliver the shelves in 2 days.  Another week passed and still no shelves.  Hearing the news from Javeed,  the Corporator and his squad headed over to the furniture shop,  got the money and threw all their furniture in the street for good measure.  Like a temporary eviction over a couple of $30 bookshelves. 

Javeed wasn't there for the "eviction",  but returned the next day.  They sat him down,  got him some tea and asked his forgiveness on their knees.  Really.  

The Creeps

Life in India is generally a pleasure.   It's been something of a vacation (for me).    I do admit there have been more than a few times when I've longed for the good ol' USA.  The next few blogs will relate to this topic. 


Winter is pleasant here.  Weather is like southern California.  The last rain was early December and temperatures range from 80's in the day and 50's at night.  That's as cold as it ever gets.  The absence of freezing is a boon to the insect community.  They keep on growing until eaten by something bigger.  


While in Sri Lanka, I grabbed a towel from the clothesline and slung it over my shoulder.   The Giant Centipede that was in the towel was now crawling underneath my shirt and up my spine.  Animal instinct (the creeps) took over,  and I whipped off my shirt to reveal the beast which had luckily fallen to the bedroom floor.  Becky says it was 8" long,  but it looked 2 feet at the time.  Her first instinct was to call everyone to our room,  "hey everybody, look what was crawling inside Doug's shirt." 

Giant Centipede:
Insectus Surprizus

I have new respect for hanging laundry. 

Police Report

Javeed,  our driver,  and I filed a police report at the local police station.  Once the sub-inspector and detectives heard our complaint,  they left us for a few minutes to shuffle some paperwork.  Javeed leaned over and calmly said,  “Now they will arrest Sudha (our maid),  throw her in Jail and beat her with a ruler.”  

The burly Sub Inspector of Bangalore.
His detectives have even bigger mustaches.

In retrospect I might have asked,  “Just how big is the ruler?”  At the time, I was caught off guard.  In the US,  these detectives would  have been the starting linebackers on any high school football team.   By contrast,  most Indian folks make a good horse jockey.  These detectives were not selected just for their brains.   I had to make it very clear that I didn’t want any human rights violations just because we're missing some jewelry.  After all,  we weren’t positive if it was Sudha or the electricians who stole Becky’s ring and necklace.   In any event,  we were told that getting the the police involved often makes the goods “reappear”. 

The detectives loaded into our car and came back to the house.  The crime scene was thoroughly inspected for evidence.   We retired to the living room and Sudha made us some tea.  She espoused innocence as they politely questioned her.   I tried to offer the Detectives a few hundred rupees for their trouble,  but they refused.  (I was later told they didn’t want to take money from a foreigner because if the jewelry did “reappear”,  I’d want the money back.  They would have taken a good bottle of wine though.)

The very next morning,  some missing cosmetics returned.  They had been used by someone with a much darker complexion than Becky.  We thought,  “The Police scared Sudha.  She returned it.  Doesn’t mean she took the jewelry,  but maybe something else will show up.”  That’s all that showed -- until Christmas time.   Sudha told us she had a dream the necklace was returned.  Three days later,  Becky found it in her purse.  We are very thankful she returned it and will allow extra credit for the foreshadowing,  but could you be more stupid ? A couple days later,  we discovered $120 missing from my mother-in-law’s purse.  

Sudha: looking for new work

Now I have to make my bed and my own dinner.  Lucky for the family,  I have mastered 5 different meals : grilled chicken,  grilled burgers, hamburger helper, leftovers and frozen leftovers from when we had a cook.  I give it 3 weeks before I’m sacked.  

Vestigial Security

When you come to India,  you immediately notice is all he security.  You are first welcomed at the airport by an Army Soldier with assault rifle.  To enter our gated and barb-wired walled community,  you must pass a check point with no less than 6 security guards who pop the trunk and look beneath the engine.   When you go to the Office or Mall,  same routine.  The hotels even have the fancy vertical bars, big enough  which to stop a tank,  which disappear into the ground to let you proceed once you pass security.     Any place worthwhile is surrounded by barb wire walls or at least broken glass embedded on the top.  So, why all the security ? 

Security likes cameras about as much as Sean Penn.  Here is a rare photo in their natural habitat.  Nolan nicknamed the guy in blue 'The General".

While the US had 9/11,  India had 26/11.  This is the November 26th ‘invasion’ of Mumbai where a group of terrorists based in Pakistan shot up key Western parts of the city, killed 175 people and injured another 300+.  Of course,  we knew about this before coming.  But no one mentioned that Bangalore has also had it’s fair share of bombings.  Last Spring,  a terrorist who was upset with the local police,  set off 8 bombs at bus stops across the city within the span of 45 minutes.  Luckily no one as hurt because he wanted to avoid rush hour traffic and nobody was at the stops when they went off.  He hit the local cricket stadium a couple months later as a follow up before being caught.  A few other organized terror groups exist,  but not much action in Bangalore. 

As an aside,  be thankful of US police.  They are alomst all honest, community minded,  trustworthy and helpful (if you’re older than 25).  Here the police play both Cop and a Mobster.  Not much law enforcement happens without a little something for the police.  Bribes are expected.   There is even a website called http://ipaidabribe.com/ to anonymously report and record bribes.  The police top the charts. 

So you can understand the need for security,  particularly private paid security.    But we eventually realized these guards are just for show.  What looks impressive is in reality much different.  

A friend,  after passing his office security checkpoint,  joked with the security guard that the bomb was really in his back pack.  Everyone had a laugh.  Try that one with Homeland Security next time you fly.  

When we first hired our maid,  she didn’t get her security gate pass until weeks afterward.  We told her to just walk through security,  keep her head down and don’t make eye contact.  No problem.  It worked everyday for 2 weeks.  Did they use Hogan’s Heroes as a training film ? 

Metal detectors are common at the mall, hospital and health club.  I set off the metal detector every time.  The only guy who moves is the one who turns off the annoying alarm.  I don’t even slow down anymore.   It would be cheaper to buy a door frame and paint it black.  

We don’t worry.   Statistically speaking,  we are much more likely to be hurt by the crazy traffic than by a crazy terrorist.   

The Kids are All Right

So I've written some about myself,  but people seem much more interested in the kids.  So here's the low down.  

The new school is tough.  The International School, Bangalore (TISB) is a British school and most Americans find their approach heavy-handed and disciplinarian.  Becky and I both went to Catholic school, so no problem.  As a result, the other students are either European or Americans of Indian Origin.  When the blond Schmitt kids arrived, everyone asked them where in Germany they lived -- usually in German.  It's still a little confusing to their peers (and some teachers).  On 'heritage day' most kids wore Sarees, Khaftans,  Leiderhosen, or other 'costumes' to reflect their nationality.  Our kids wore Jeans and T-Shirts.

The school bus, a first for these Grosse Pointe kids,  picks up at the end of the street each day at 7:30am.  Since they were the last kids to sign up for the bus route,  they were assigned the last seats on the bus.  The rear-most seats combined with the numerous speed bumps (they work better than stop signs to slow traffic) and a lead foot bus driver make for a vertebrae compacting ride.  They can regularly get 1-2 feet of air off the seats,  if traffic allows.  

Will is in 9th grade and besides cutting his hair and pulling up his pants,  has made quite an adjustment.  Its been a different house, country, school, friends and curriculum (IGSCE) combined with school on Saturday.  The Brits don't hold back.  The course load is heavy.  He has Biology,  Physics, Advanced Algebra and Chemistry for starters.  Of course the Indian culture is not happy unless there is a minimum of 2 hours homework each day.  He sleeps on Sundays to recover.  We're quite proud of him. 

Will is getting Tall. 

Will has made the easiest adjustment to the spicy food. (even when we tell our cook Soudha to make it for a baby's mouth).  Will can't get enough spice.  Nolan and Emma'a mouths will be in flames and Will says,  "a little plain".  

Will has also made it out on the town several times with his friends after school Saturdays.  Movies, go-carting, the mall etc...  As a Parent it's a little unnerving to send him off with his friends into a foreign city and the only adults present are the drivers.

Emma has already made many friends (and some drama) in the neighborhood and at school.  Typical stuff -- riding bikes in the neighborhood, board games and movies at her friends' house.  She loves to be the center of attention and being a blond American girl in India,  she gets all the attention she wants. Emma will actually stay after school to pal around with her friends who board at the school.  She actually finds India “as boring as back home” and want to be a boarder at the school.  She expected more excitement and less gated community suburbia. 

Nolan and Emma share a cold one with Javeed. 

Her fashion sense has been a little repressed since she started wearing uniforms.  She has taken up the guitar and we hope to have her play a Christmas carol.  (Christmas music is a little hard to come by.)

Nolan also does very well in school,  but finds it a little boring.  He's much more focussed on extracurriculars and schoolwork is just something to pass the time.  For example,  he led the class in  a game of "lets see who can slide farthest across this mud puddle".  Not sure if he won, but was Top 3 based on his clothes alone.  He plays goalie and half back on the school soccer team.  

Overall they are well adjusted,  miss their friends and Taco Bell.   On a recent school day off,  we made the trek across town to eat at the only Taco Bell in Bangalore.  They hardly even liked Taco Bell in the US.  It's funny what you miss.

I thought I discovered another Taco Bell in Bangalore,
but it was only a mobile phone store.